Bianca: It's great that you opened up to me. I'm so sorry to hear about your childhood. 1:55 PM
Mark: And then I lived independently from 15. Do you understand now why I have safety concerns? My father wanted to kill me, my mother fancied me. 1:56 PM
Bianca: Of course. Can I ask you something? 1:56 PM
Mark: Yes. 1:57 PM
Bianca: Do you feel safe with me? 1:57 PM
Mark: Yes. I have told you so. 1:57 PM
Bianca: Good. 1:57 PM
Mark: That Tuesday when you were lying on my chest
I felt secure. And I was lying on your bed last night, I felt secure. There was only one moment I did not. 1:57 PM
Bianca: When? 1:58 PM
Mark: When I was by your bedside table I felt a bit funny. I was going down on you and felt funny. I'm not sure why. 1:58 PM
Bianca: Why? 1:58 PM
Mark: No idea. I think in my mind I processed that there was something that was not quite right with you last night. Something that you were trying to keep to yourself. But was making you a bit distant. 1:59 PM
Bianca: I actually felt very awkward to be honest. Because Marty was biting your feet. And I was nervous having you over for the first time. Honestly that is exactly what was going thru my head. 2:00 PM
Mark: Ok. Anyhow. 2:00 PM
Bianca: I swear. 2:00 PM
Mark: But yes. I feel safe and secure with you. 2:00 PM
Bianca: I felt bad that I was so distracted. There was a combo of things last night honestly. 2:01 PM
Mark: And then this year, after am several EMDR sessions, I remembered that I was inappropriately touched by my mother…
Anyways, last night was fun. And served as a catalyst for us to open up with each other.
Sometimes these nights prove to be more important than the ones that go to plan. 2:01 PM
Bianca: Or the ones that are perfect. Like Tues night, which are fun. But don’t move us forward. 2:02 PM
Mark: Absolutely. 2:02 PM
Bianca: Thank you for opening up to me. That cannot be easy for you. 2:03 PM
Mark: Let's take it one day (or night) at a time. 2:03 PM
Bianca: Yes. 2:03 PM
Mark: It is easy with you to be honest. I feel safe. And I want to build something meaningful with you. Without being transparent how can I achieve that? 2:03 PM
Bianca: You're making it much easier for me to be honest. I've never really been anything to men other than a pleaser or a Barbie doll. 2:03 PM
Mark: But you are so much more than that, Bianca. 2:03 PM
Bianca: So removing the layers is really really hard for me.
Be patient with me ok? 2:04 PM
Mark: Because we have much in common and you are so bright. 2:04 PM
Bianca: I put up walls. I never want to be hurt. So I turn emotions off and put up walls. 2:04 PM
Mark: Of course. But when we try too hard we end up being hurt. I reckon we can enrich each other's lives substantially. I will not hurt you. 2:04 PM
Bianca: I know. You're teaching me how to open up. Patiently. Was there any trouble with you getting home so late last night? 2:08 PM
Mark: No. Not at all. My wife is like a sister. To be perfectly honest. 2:13 PM
Bianca: Really? 2:13 PM
Mark: She saved my life though and I am so grateful to her. That's why we are together. 2:13 PM
Bianca: She did? How? 2:13 PM
Mark: Yes. I had made a conscious decision to take my life in 2012. 2:14 PM
Bianca: Omg. 2:14 PM
Mark: And then she saved me without knowing what she was doing. And showed me compassion to a point I had never experienced before. 2:15 PM
Bianca: I had no idea. 2:15 PM
Mark: As I told you, I was living a crazy life.
Married, travelling around the world on first class flights, 5 star hotels, but killing myself by having crazy experiences. And I was so ashamed of myself. And so guilty that I thought that there was no reason to keep on going. I bought a hand gun in Argentina . I was going to lecture there on March 12th and I was getting the job done on 13th. 2 months before, after I had sorted out everything, I decided to tell my wife who I really was. And I was hoping that she was going to call me a monster and kick me out. So it would be easier to get it done. She looked at me in the eye and said, Mark, I know where you come from and what you've been through.
And said that I needed help. Took me to therapy and rehab and to Buddhism.
Now you know all about me, Bianca. 2:17 PM
Bianca: Thank you for sharing. I feel closer to you, Mark. 2:19 PM
Mark: I have helped sort her life completely. She is an awarded chemist nowadays. 2:20 PM
Bianca: You are a good man. 2:20 PM
Mark: As you can see, from the outside my life looks uber cool. But there's more to it. Nothing is perfect. No one. 2:20 PM
Bianca: Everyone has something hiding under the surface. We can’t ever compare ourselves to other people. 2:20 PM
Mark: And with you, I feel I can share that. No, you are right.
I only look for what I have in common with others nowadays. What I can relate to. 2:20 PM
Bianca: True. It’s the only real way to connect. 2:21 PM
Mark: Yes. I really adore you my gorgeous blonde. 2:21 PM
Bianca: I adore you. 2:22 PM
Mark: Now you and my wife and my therapist are the only ones who know all of this. 2:22 PM